INS jokes
Orphan: I dip my Oreos in water.
Me: Why?
Orphan: Because my dad did not come back with the milk.
Why does a golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!
I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
Got a job at the library yesterday... It lasted fifteen minutes... Turns out books about women's rights don't belong in the fiction section.
What do you call a bunch of microcephalics in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
"We got a number one victory royale, yeah Fortnite we boutta get down! Get down! Ten kills on the board right now, just wiped out tomato town! My friend's gone down, I revived him now we're heading southbound! Now we're in the pleasant park street, look at the map, go to the marked sheet!"
Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.
What happens when a guy is in a pool with a deck and no one is around? The guy has to pee, get up on the deck, and stick it between the bars and pee.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.
Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."
Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."
"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."
Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
An RC-XD.
When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.
My dick was in the book of world records.
But then the librarian asked me to take it out.
One day at school, Little Johnny and his friends were asked to do a sheet of paper which said, “Put a matching word from the word bank into the slot in the sentence that makes it make sense.” But when the teacher marked Little Johnny's papers, she asked why he put the word "bank" in every slot. And he says, “Well teacher, you said to put a word from the word bank and that's one word! So I had no choice but to put down that word!”
I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.
"Where are my balls? Down in your mom."
Why do I carry pepper spray?
Just in case of as-SAULT.
What is the poorest country in the world?
Poortugal...
Why did people invent glow in the dark condoms?
So gay people can have lightsaber duels.
What's the hardest part of being a pedophile?
Fitting in.