INS jokes
There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.
I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.
What do you call a burning orphan in a wheelchair? Hot Wheels.
What hit the ground first, the orphan or the apple? The apple. The orphan never hit the ground.
What do orphans and apples have in common?
Only one gets picked.
What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?
Gum.
What do you call an animal in space? Just death because you need a spacesuit.
Your momma is so fat, when she got in the Pacific, she became the Pacific Ocean.
Your mama's so ugly, she got everything for free.
In Ohio, people walk with their hands.
What's gayer than a gangbang in a man sex ring?
Not slapping the ass at Hooters.
I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.
I'll let you decide.
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,
Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"
Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."
The Demon when it gets summoned to earth only to find out it was a spelling mistake in Latin class. 😬
Me: What are we doing in HPE?
Friend: Fitness.
Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.
How are the faster readers in the world?
9/11 victims, they read 80 stories in 10 seconds.
Your momma's so fat, she farted in bed and blew the covers off.
What do emo kids and bananas have in common?
They both hang on trees.
You are so hairy, you starred in Donkey Kong before!