INS jokes
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
What is it called when you have four white people in the car?
Clear windows.
How many oz of water does it take to screw a light bulb?
None, also what the heck are you doing with water when people in Africa don’t have any?
My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...
How many Emos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They all just sit in the dark and cry.
What does a rifle and a microwave have in common?
They both go "Ping" when they are done.
What do Princess Diana and the Beatles have in common?
They both made quite an impact in Europe.
You could say Kobe's career went up in smoke.
Have you ever seen a baby unicorn? No! Because unicorns are gay rainbows in equine form.
Do you want to give your life to God and be in Heaven?
How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?
If you said he felt it in his bones, you're wrong. He watched the weather forecast.
My dad was in the plane in 9/11, and he was the smart one that convinced everyone. He said, "We're fucked."
Why don’t pedophiles win races?
They like to come in a little behind.
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
You live in the airport.
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
Do you know Ligma?
Have fun rubbing those balls in your tomatoes!
What is a neonatal's first time in the world?
Sister: I don't want to do it, but...
Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.