INS jokes

Spam

    • What's the difference between a hippie chick and a can of Spam?

    After 6 months in the woods, you'll still eat the can of Spam.

    Boy

    • A boy was terrible at writing sentences, so his teacher gave him an assignment to help with that. The boy was to go home, write five sentences, and return to school the next day.

    When he went home, he took a notepad and a pen and went to his dad for help. His dad was in a very important business call, so he angrily shouted at the child, "Shut up, you donkey!" The boy noted down that sentence. He next went to his mom, who assumed that he wanted to play video games, so she said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." That was his second sentence. For the third sentence, he went to his older brother, who was watching football where someone scored a goal, so he was jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!"

    For the fourth sentence, he went to his sister, who was singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" For the last sentence, he went to his grandmother, who was cleaning the toilet and singing, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."

    He went to school the next day, and his teacher asked him to tell her the sentences. The boy said, "Shut up, you donkey!" The teacher got angry after hearing this and asked the boy, "Do you want me to slap you?" The boy said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." This made the teacher so angry that she slapped the boy. Immediately, he started jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!" The teacher dragged him to the principal's office, as she was fed up with him. The principal asked the boy what his name was, to which he replied by singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" She asked him where he lived, so he sang, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."

  • 8

    • Baby

    • What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday? Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.

  • 3
    • INS memes

    Tube

    • So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

    Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

    At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

    While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."

    So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

    Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

    Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

    Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.

  • 2

    • Jail

    • I don’t know why I’m in jail. So, basically, I was at a gun range, and we were supposed to hit the targets, even though I hit it.

    Sleep

    • What are you doing, son? It has been an hour, and you are still in front of the mirror closing your eyes.

    Mum, actually I want to see how I look while sleeping...

    Flight Attendant

    • It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

    "What are my choices?" the passenger said.

    "Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.

  • 1

    • Bark

    • Riddles not jokes.

    What has 4 legs but cannot walk?

    What has bark but no bite?

    There's a one-story house in which everything is orange. Orange walls, orange doors, orange furniture. What color are the stairs?

    What has holes but can carry water?

    What is in front of you, but cannot be seen?

    What is something you have inside you that is pink, but cannot be seen?

    What can you catch but not throw?

    And last one:

    What can rule, but not command?

    Tell me the answers in the comments.

    Like 90% of this was from this link: https://parade.com/947956/parade/riddles/

    One more thing: Don't google it or search it up, use your brain to answer these.

  • 4

    • Momma

    • Your momma so fat when she stepped on one scale, it broke. When she got another one, it said "TBC." She looked in the mirror, it broke.