INS jokes
What do you call pedophiles on a beach? Pedos in Speedos.
I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mother's and Father's day.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
What do a school shooter and a lightbulb have in common? They both light up the classroom. 🤡💀
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
I saw a kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working in an orphanage.
I pushed the kid in a wheelchair into fire... I called him "HOT WHEELS".
What do you call Stephen Hawking in a burning building?
Hot Wheels.
I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.
May he rest in pizza.
What does Michael Jackson and maths have in common? They're both hard for kids.
What do altar boys and strippers have in common? Father issues.
I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."
Today I feel diving. Today I feel penalty. Today I feel tap in. Today I feel ghosting. Today I feel finished. Today I feel a bench warmer... I know what it feels to be discriminated... I was bullied because I am Pristiano Penaldo.
What does Michael Jackson and Jeffery Dahmer have in common?
They both enjoy kids' company.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding only half a worm.
Joe mama so fat she went wearing high heels and came back in flip flops.