INS jokes

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"

My mom told me to get a job, so I did.

One day my mom saw me, I had money. My mom asked me where did you get that money? My mom asked me where did you get that money. I said I got a job in the neighborhood. My mom asked me what do you do, so I said when you take showers I secretly open the door, and I let the guys come and see you one by one, and I get paid for it.

My mom said you're growing up so fast, & I said back to my mom that is what the guys say when they see you in the shower.

Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach in a blue dress, everyone screamed "tsunami!"

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

If anyone's joke here says "burn in hell," I will mimic your account for the rest of your life.

What do a school shooter and a person with gum have in common?

One's the pull it out everyone wants to be their friend.

How does a rapper stay warm in the winter?

With some HOT TRACKS!

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

You're in Australia. Your forehead is the reason why Africa is so hot.

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

Victims of 9/11 are the fastest readers. They went through 94 stories in seconds.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

I’ve seen more life in a bowl of WEEK-OLD GUACAMOLE than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.

What’s positive in Africa?

HIV/AIDS.

Me: "What are you doing??"

Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"

Me: "I don't know."

Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"

Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"

Don't bully kids.

Harder than a diamond in an ice storm.

What do you call people who jumped in the dam?

A dam fool.

Why were glow-in-the-dark condoms made?

To play Star Wars.

An astronaut has had a mid-life crisis. He decides to leave everything behind and become a country farmer.

He buys some land and equips himself with everything he needs. The following Monday, he's ready to go with his hoe in hand and is about to walk out the gate, but he can't get through.

Why, you might ask? He's got no arms.