INS jokes
Yo mama's so poor, I knocked on the front door of her house and realized I was already outside in her backyard!
"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."
Our family is known for unusually sloppy diarrhea.
It runs in our jeans.
Why is Ronan's forehead the size of Jupiter? Because he dropped the TV on his forehead. It also had rings.
Why is Jupiter's ring stuck in orbit? Because Ronan's forehead kept it stuck in orbit.
Snails are like sperm, slow and sloppy.
Why will we never get hungry in the desert?
We have lots of sand-which's.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
You give them a Sandy Hook.
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
Why is the B so cool? Because it’s in between A and C.
What do you call a mariachi band sinking in Mayonnaise?
Cinco De Mayo.
What do inner city schools and databases have in common?
Their problems are usually caused by a race condition.
I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?
They both make terrible hunters.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Por que.
Por que who?
"That's all, folks," in the words of Por que Pig.
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
Q: What do American beer and canoes have in common?
A: Fu@king close to water!
When in Poland people go to a house party, and the atmosphere is bad, nobody is talking, they say: "Is there a German here?"
Why is the Champs d'Elysees in Paris lined with trees?
Because German soldiers like marching in the shade!
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?
A blender.
How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.