INS jokes
Yo hairline is so long, when you looked in a mirror you saw an entire endangered species.
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
What do SpongeBob and Asians have in common?
They're both yellow and can't drive.
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower?
Slick her hair, she looks 15.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
Your hairline goes so far back that it was getting whipped in the 1800s.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!
What do gay men and drug dealers have in common?
They both get a lot of crack.
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?
In a dog pound, people actually want them.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A roamin' Catholic.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.