Injury jokes
What kind of ankle are you? A broken ankle.
I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
What's the difference between my ripped jeans and my arms?.
None.
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A paraplegic after a house fire.
People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"
And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"
I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hairdryer.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
It depends on how hard you throw them. 😈😈
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?
Ads for meds be like: Chloroform, it's Chloroform, helps with itchy eyes. Side affects may include Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM), AIDS (HIV/AIDS), Alphaviruses, Alzheimer's Disease, Alzheimer's Diseases (Spanish), Arboviral Encephalitis, Arthritis, Babesiois, Cancer, Unintentional injuries, Chronic lower respiratory disease, Stroke and cerebrovascular diseases, Alzheimer's disease, Diabetes, Influenza and pneumonia.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"