He slips, he falls, he dislocates his balls!
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.
When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"
"Oh, that was the cat."
"We don't have a cat..."
"Oh..."
Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.
What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
My wife was run over.
My Friend said having sex is alot like your first football game
Your bloody and bruised but at least your dad was there
What's even funnier than throwing a baby off a building?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!
