Injury jokes

When I was going downstairs, Sum Ting Wong fell, and doctors say Sum Ting Wong happened.

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

A paraplegic after a house fire.

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

What's the difference between my ripped jeans and my arms?.

None.

I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hairdryer.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

It depends on how hard you throw them. 😈😈

Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?

- A bus full of children.

2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

- He died of a yeast infection.

3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...

- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”

4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...

- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...

- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Ads for meds be like: Chloroform, it's Chloroform, helps with itchy eyes. Side affects may include Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM), AIDS (HIV/AIDS), Alphaviruses, Alzheimer's Disease, Alzheimer's Diseases (Spanish), Arboviral Encephalitis, Arthritis, Babesiois, Cancer, Unintentional injuries, Chronic lower respiratory disease, Stroke and cerebrovascular diseases, Alzheimer's disease, Diabetes, Influenza and pneumonia.

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

Yo momma's so short that she fell off the toilet and broke her leg.

When you get injured 😢

When you get injured in America 😭😭😭😭💵💵💵💵💵🏩🏩🏩

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast! Get it? Lol.

Did you hear about the blonde who walked into a bar?......... It hurt.

I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!

What has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.