Im jokes

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead.

I’m such a fool.

Why did I fall for you?

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

I'm so good at talking to myself but not to others.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

My AI assistant told me it wanted to go deeper...

...into the algorithm. I misunderstood. Now I’m banned from the lab.

You ever try sexting with AI? Every time I type “I’m coming,” it replies, “Coming where? Need directions?”

Why do I support slavery?

Because I’m white.

I'm okay with giving babies iPads, as long as the baby has anencephaly.

You can't get brain rot if you don't have a brain!

I'm not into scatplay. In fact, I think that shit's disgusting.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

My ex broke up with me the day before his birthday. Yeah, he never got to see anything on his birthday. Next thing you know, I'm now in prison.

Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.

She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.

I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.

🎵 BEAVER BEAVER 🎵

LUBA LUBA LUBA LUBA LUBA LUBA

I'm walking down the street with a bag of dildos, beryllium, and a butt plug.

I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.

The best part? She don't talk back.

You really seem like you don't want to be laughing at that rape joke, but somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.