Im

Im jokes

When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”

"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”

“Where do you come from?"

"Rome."

“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"No, Rome, Italy, of course."

“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”

To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"No, Rome, Italy, of course."

"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”

Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"

"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"Rome, Italy."

"No, sorry, never heard of him.”

Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"

"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"

"He says Rome, Italy."

"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"

An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

So I told him he was on my cock.

(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)

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    • I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

    It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

    "Just say NO to drugs!" Well, if I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

    Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

    Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

    Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

    A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

    “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

    I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

    Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫

    The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

    One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

    “No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

    “Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

    Me: *sprays some perfume on myself*

    Friend: Omg, that smells so good! You’re so aromatic, how do you not have a bf yet?

    Me: ... I’m aromantic and aromatic. I do not desire romantic relationships with others although I do enjoy carrying lovely scents with me.

    I'm shocked about Donald Trump escaping the transgender accusations. Trump is more talkative than any of the popular girls I went to school with! Not to mention Trump's tweets...

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    • Two Italian men get on a bus.

    They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

    The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first.

    Den I come.

    Den two asses come together.

    I come once-a-more.

    Two asses, they come together again.

    I come again and pee twice.

    Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

    A photon is checking into a hotel.

    The bellhop asks him, "Do you have any luggage?"

    The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."

    Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

    I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!