Im jokes

An old man walks in a forest with a child, and the child says, "It's dark, and I'm scared." The old man says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out alone."

I was going to make a 9/11 joke, but I'm afraid it will crash and burn.

I'm a big fan of white boards; they're remarkable.

Okay, so basically I'm monky.

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

I'm sorry m8.

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

Tonight I'm making a fort. I'm calling it Fortnite.

I'm autistic.

Why does my dad hate me? Really, please tell me, I'm tired of the constant abuse and pain.

I'm dead! 😂💀💀

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

Damn, DIN just went over me and I'm trying to figure out what it is. A camel's dick.

I'm fucking retarded.

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

When I'm cutting my grass, want to know what it reminds me of? My arms and legs.

I'm psychicking your butt.

Why does God hate me?

Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.

Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asks the other.

"I'm positive!"

"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."

I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.