If jokes

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?

What happens if a cookie turns emo?

It becomes a cookie cutter.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

Follow me if you need advice, or just follow me.

If you really think about it, every market in Africa is a black market.

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.

If messyourself was on the Titanic, he would die first.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

One if you throw it hard enough.

Stop it! What if a blind person sa- oh wait, never mind, carry on.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?