If jokes

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

If you kill an orphan, would that count as a squad wipe?

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?

If you're depressed and you're crying, like this joke.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

If Donald Trump is running against Bill Clinton, it's safe to say that we are witnessing the Lolita Express Erections...oops, I mean Elections.

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.