If jokes

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

If you're depressed and you're crying, like this joke.

Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

If Donald Trump is running against Bill Clinton, it's safe to say that we are witnessing the Lolita Express Erections...oops, I mean Elections.

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?

What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?

I don't know.

Neither do I, but it runs in the family.