If jokes

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?

"Not now, I have a headache."

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

If you kill an orphan, would that count as a squad wipe?

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

If you're depressed and you're crying, like this joke.

Is Stephen Hawking under warranty? If so, can I bring him back to Currys PC World?

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

If Donald Trump is running against Bill Clinton, it's safe to say that we are witnessing the Lolita Express Erections...oops, I mean Elections.

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??

My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?