If jokes

If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.

On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*

If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?

Why do shepherds never learn to count?

Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

There are only 2 genders: if you have a dick, or a pussy.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

If you want KFC, pour water on a poor person outside our restaurant and film it.

If I was any more inbred, I'd be a sandwich.

(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents

It’s OK if emo kids always hang from the trees, but if we do it, it’s considered against the law.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."

How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

Bestfriend @3am: I love you.

Me: Love you too.

*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*

I don't know if this is funny.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

What is it called if you give 100 disabled people guns?

Special Forces.

If you eat her out on her period, does that make you Cunt Dracula?