If jokes

If a blind person can’t see, then do they sleep?

They’re the night watchers while people who see sleep.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.

Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!

Wife: Kid?

Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?

What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.

What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.

How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.

How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?

The psychologist will thank you for coming.

"WASSUP GIRLS IF I FIND YOU I'LL GLADLY FUCK YOU;]"

So, gender equality is the idea that a woman can do anything a man can, right? That they should be treated the same? So, therefore, if she swings on me, I could punch her into the Twin Towers because of gender equality. I love gender equality.

A priest asks a nun if she has slept with anyone, and the nun says, "Yes, a fucking hot girl!"

If you don’t like mowing your lawn, just get emo grass! It cuts itself!

If James Bond is the most famous spy, wouldn't that also make him the worst spy?

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.

Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"

The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."

How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?

Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

If you hit an Indian person on the forehead with a dart, is it considered a bullseye?

Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.