If jokes

If BlessedBrian were ANY LESS intelligent, he’d have to be WATERED twice a week.

If brains were dynamite, BLESSEDBRIAN wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.

If ignorance is bliss, BLESSEDBRIAN must be the happiest person alive.

How do you know if a rapper's broke?

When he starts dropping cents instead of bars.

If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

If you give a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a couple of hours, but if you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life :)

If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?

What's your mom and a dog got in common?

Both will lick dick if you put peanut butter on it.

If I had a dollar for every time a rap hater made an intelligent statement, I’d be more broke than the rap haters.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.

Dude, what if 9/11 happened because they wanted slavery back?

"If you can make them laugh and giggle, you can make their booty shake and jiggle."

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

If two blind people meet, one of them says: "Long time, no see!"

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.

But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.