Humor

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

What does a relationship and suicide have in common?

I always fail on committing.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

"Come on, man, give the orphans a break with these jokes."

"No, not until their parents pick them up."

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

I have 206 bones in my body, but when I look at you, I have 207.

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?

"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

What's a pedophile's favorite type of garden?

A kindergarden.

You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

911 jokes usually go over my head.

Then it hits me.