Humor

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

best friend makes 9/11 joke.

you: "hey, my dad was inside the tower."

best friend: "I'm sorry."

you: "I always knew he was a great pilot."

What is an orphan's favorite beer?

"Fosters."

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie talkie? He can’t walkie or talkie.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

Why do dwarfs laugh when they run?

The grass tickles their balls.

Your hairline is so far back I learned about it in history class.

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

What do you call an Asian receptionist?

Tai Ping.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

Dad: "Exactly, son."

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

Well, I'm off to the orphanage to tell "yo mama" jokes.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."

Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.