Humor

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do you say to a ugly girl who claims to have been raped?

“Are you sure you didn’t rape him?”

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

What's the difference between a fish and a car?

You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3

Ha! It asked me to submit a joke, but then I realized I'm the joke.

I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."

Toothbrush says, "I have the worst job ever."

Toilet paper says, "You think your job is shitty."

Why doesn't China have a cricket team?

They always eat the bat.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

There was a fancy dress party; the theme was emotions.

One guy came dressed in green, and he was envy; another person came dressed in red, and she was anger; another guy came dressed in blue, and he was sadness. Two Indians came, one came with a hole in a pear and his d*** was in the pear, said he was deep in dis"pear." The other Indian came with his d*** in custard, and he said he was f***ing dicustard!

I'm made with depression and extra anxiety, then a side of gay and a sprinkle of emo.

Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"

Jimmy: "That's great!"

Doctor: "A horse with cancer."

Chuck Norris orders his coffee black, without water.

What do you call a banana eating a banana?

Canabananalism.

When is a piece of wood made king?

When it's a ruler.

What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings? -- A bi-polar-bear.

What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.