Humor

Humor

Dad

    • What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

    Doctor

    • My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

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    • Food

    • "One silent evening, a man walks to his fridge to get some food. He sets out a fork and napkin on the table. He reaches to grab a salad topped with olives and cheese. He sets the food down on the table and begins to add tomatoes, condiments, and..." He is interrupted. "Why are you saying this aloud?" A young boy asks his father. The father replies with, "You wanted to know how to live on your own, but I guess experience is more helpful," he says as he rushes the child out of the front door.

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    • Humor memes

    Boy

    • Dirty Joke: A boy fell in the mud. Clean Joke: He took a bath with bubbles. Dirty Joke: Bubbles was the girl next door.

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    • Lecture

    • Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

    Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

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    • CPR

    • I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.

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    • Sleep

    • Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

    Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

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    • Grandma

    • What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

    When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

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    • Potato

    • If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

    But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

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    • Dad

    • The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

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    • Roast

    • 1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

    2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

    3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

    4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

    5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

    6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

    7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

    8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

    9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

    10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

    11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

    12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

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    • Revolver

    • A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"

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