Humor
When they walk in and you're fucking... everyone at the morgue.
A Mario & Luigi joke.
What are the Mario bros' view on child support?
Mario: The parents are obligated to provide for the child and help them the best they could.
Luigi: LMAO I GOTTA GO!
My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."
What happens when skeletons score points in a game?
They get a bone-us.
When Knife tells Annoying Orange, "I'm trying something new," Annoying Orange said, "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs.
Memes
If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?
Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!
What do you say to your customer at a popsicle stand when he asks for the price?
Dollar a pop!
Get it?
Dad: You’re looking pretty sheepish.
Son: That’s too baaaaaad!
So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.
Why are there only 363 days on an orphan's calendar?
They don't have Father's Day and Mother's Day.
Why were there two boys on the bay?
Because they were gay!
Why does an orphan only have a Samsung? Because it doesn't have a home button!
I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"
She replied, "Two or three."
Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.
So funny hahaha this is why I don't have friends :(
A bear walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a cola and a...whisky?" The bartender says, "What's with the big paws?"
Why was sis afraid of seven?
Cuz 7 ate 9.
Gf: Babe, do you love me?
Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.
Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...
Bf: Exactly.
Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a small dog?
A Cock-a-POODLE-Doo!
Why did the orphan cross the road?
Because they thought they saw their parents. (Plot twist: the orphan got ran over.)