Humor
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
What's Al Qaeda's favorite football team?
New York Jets.
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
Trump.
Get it because Trump is a joke hahaha, I am sooo bad!
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
People who make puns always get pun-ched by people.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
You heard a conversation between Sans and Papyrus:
Sans: "Sub bro."
Papyrus: "DON'T 'SUB' ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN'T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZLES!"
Sans: "Easy bro, I have done a ton of work today."
Sans: "A skele-ton."
(Drum effect)
Papyrus: "OH MY GOD SANS!"
Stranger: Knock knock.
Person: Who's there?
Stranger: Sugma.
Person: Sugma who?
Stranger: Sugma balls, kid!
Rules of dark humor.
1. Everything shall be touched.
2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.
I would make a disabled joke.
But they never work.
I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.
I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."
Wanna hear a pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? "Smiles," because there is a mile between the first letter and the last.
Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.