Humor
I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
If I make a great joke, I will pay for it.
You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A slipper.
What’s the German word for BRA? Keep two from floppin'.
Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”
The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”
He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”
What do your underwear and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They are both concerned about “Klingons near your anus”.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A cow with no front legs walking around?
Beef stroganoff.
What do you call a guy who has sex on the Moon?
An “Astronut”!
How many children does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a baseball field?
One has a home.
Kid: "What's dark humor?"
Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."
Kid: "I am blind, Mom."
Mom: "Exactly."
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
What would be a good job for a fat person? A four-chin teller!
Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.
Joseph: No, they don't.
Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.
Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Because he was trying to catch a boomerang.
Mom! (DYM 48)
Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.
He was the best pilot in Arab.