Humor
Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Me: I have depression.
Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!
Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.
Teacher: "I'll call your mother."
Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
Satanism is such an ugly word. I prefer the term, "red skin appreciation."
What's the difference between a dog and a foster child?
A dog doesn't run to the police after you beat it.
What goes down but not up?
An emo.
A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.
I just left him hanging.
What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?
Nothing, they both fell.
How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.
What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
If you're here for a cheap laugh about suicide, I'll give you some real killer jokes!
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?
A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.
The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.
The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.
"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.
The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."
Bro, they almost forgot you in the abortion bucket.
The guy in the wheelchair at my gym can do so many pull-ups with the wheelchair on, but I said to him, "Don't skip leg day."
I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.