Hows jokes
I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
Q: How did the explorers get to school?
A: They rode the Colum-bus!
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He ran out of battery life.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
How do they execute paraplegics?
With the electric wheelchair.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf, and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?
Just tell them that it floats.
When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?
Wanna know how I got away from Iraq? Iran.
How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.
Worst joke ever.
How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?
He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
My friend put an action toy and called it Kobe and put it on a drone. I realized that my friend didn't know how to fly a drone.
So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"
So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."
How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car?
Open a pizza shop 🍕