Hows jokes

I asked my brother who is autistic how he found his gf. He said on a special website.

Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.

Hey guys, how was your day?

If you ask me the same question, here's the answer: depressing.

I still haven't made any friends on this app. All I do is read and comment on old jokes or opinions.

Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.

Wife: Aww, thanks.

Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.

How come an orphan can't work for SC Johnson?

Because it's a family company.

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow!

How do homeless people move where they're living?

They pick up their box and walk away.

If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?

How do you get a cow to eat?

Give it mooshrooms!

How do you scare a bee?

Boo-bee!

[God creating a jellyfish]

God: How about an evil bag?

A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.

I left Iran. Guess how? I ran!

How do you torture an autistic dude? Start a staring contest.

How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"

A son walks up to his dad and says, "I'm so gay right now!"

"HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" screams the dad.

"No, gay as in HAPPY," says the confused son, "I'm so happy right now!"

"Oh," says the dad, "why are you happy?"

Then the son said, "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off."

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

Two guys watching a war movie at a bar are talking. One says to the other, "The Nazis starved my dad to death in a concentration camp during the war."

The other says, "My dad died in a camp as well... he broke his neck."

First guy says, "How did he break his neck?"

Second guy says, "He fell out of the guard tower."

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.