Hows jokes
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
How many times do you tickle a squid before it laughs?
TEN-TICKLES
I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.
Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher asked, "How many of you guys are Trump fans?" Since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands, well, except Little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "Why are you being different again, Johnny?" So Little Johnny says, "Well, because I'm a Democrat. My mom is a Democrat, and my dad is a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat!" So then the teacher responds with, "Well, what if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Well, Little Johnny says, "A Trump fan!"
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
There was this guy who asked a girl how much her hand jobs are. "$25k." How much are your blowjobs? "$50k." How much do you charge to have sex on the street? REPLY: "I would if I had a pussy."
How do they execute paraplegics?
With the electric wheelchair.
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
How are laundry and Michael Jackson related?
They both got bleached!
How do you start a fight in space?
"Comet me, bro."
Q: How did Helen Keller get a concussion?
A: She kept stepping on a rake.
How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.
On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?
How do you put an end to MeToo? Just fill those combined showers with transgender women.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
How do you put "blonde" and "duh" in the same sentence? Just say, "Blondes are dumb."
Yo forehead so big that when I asked Vegeta how big it is, he said “IT’S OVER 9000!”
How did black people learn to steal sports cars?
By playing GTA nonstop.
You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...
Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.