I googled "How to start a wildfire." I got 48,500 matches.
The judge asked me, "How does 5 to 10 years sound?"
I said, "Sexy."
How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?
Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.
So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.
I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.
A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."
Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."
I like my people how I like my tea...
In a bag under water.
How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out.
if you ask an artist how to commit suicide, they will say a very creative way
When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?
They never get old.
Lmao, idiots don't know how to play Jenga.
How did the dude with epilepsy win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
