Hows jokes
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.
A cocksucker is still a cocksucker if a cocksucker only sucks for moral, religious, or health reasons, and a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons can still be a cocksucker, so how can a cocksucker be a vegetarian for moral, religious, or health reasons?
How do you get four prostitutes on one chair?
You turn it upside down.
Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: "How far are we from land?"
Captain: "Two miles."
Passenger: "Which direction?"
Captain: "Down."
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
How do emos compliment each other?
They say, "I like your cuts g."
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
A boy and his mother survived a car crash.
The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."
How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?
They lost two towers.
How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard.
How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.