Hows jokes
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.
When you realize you have depression, and depression realizes how stupid you were.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.
How do you get four prostitutes on one chair?
You turn it upside down.
A cocksucker is still a cocksucker if a cocksucker only sucks for moral, religious, or health reasons, and a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons can still be a cocksucker, so how can a cocksucker be a vegetarian for moral, religious, or health reasons?
Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: "How far are we from land?"
Captain: "Two miles."
Passenger: "Which direction?"
Captain: "Down."
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
How do emos compliment each other?
They say, "I like your cuts g."
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
A boy and his mother survived a car crash.
The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."
How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?
They lost two towers.
How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.