I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You set it on fire; then it goes, "WOOF!"
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipses it!
How did the Asian couple name their child?
They dropped pots and pans down the stairs and listened to the noises.
How did Voldemort lose his nose?
From uncontrolled Gold Mining!
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?
Zero, they were copycats.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
How did number 1 kindly make number 2?
I got my was kicked, let's be friends?
How do crazy people get through a forest? They take the psycho-path!
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
How many babies does it take to make dinner?
Three to four; there's not a lot of meat on them.
How many dead babies does it take to paint my room?
It depends how many bullets you have.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
How do Chinese people play in Spy?
They can't.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
