How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
How did Reese eat her cereal? - Witherspoon!
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
How do you boil holy water?... You boil the hell out of it!
How is spinach like anal sex?
If you were forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
How do you confuse a ginger?
Throw a cross at them.
How do u know Stephen Hawking is having a seizure?
He spills coffee on his iPad.
How did I know where you would go next?
Oh, I felt it in my bones!
How do you tell when a blonde just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still wet.
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
How do you start an Ethiopian rave?
Stick toast to the ceiling.
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
The sky never changes color, but when it does, we know how your breath is increasing.
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
How do you make 7 an even number? Take the "s" out!
A pedophile is chatting on the internet: "On a scale of one to ten, how old are you?"
How did the inkjet printer kill himself?
He drank cyan-ide.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
