Hows jokes
How to tell your kid he's adopted:
Son, I'm a virgin.
When did “yo” mean Hello?
They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."
How about that airplane food? I eat it when I'm high.
"Hi, honey, how do you want buns?"
I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.
How come Christmas is one time? Because it is so nice!
Sans: haha... Paps: what? Sans: i KNEW it was gonna rain today. Paps: that's nearly impossible, how? Sans: i could feel it in my bo- Paps: OH MY GOD STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How does Helen Keller smell?
Pretty bad, she's dead!
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
Chuck Norris gets paid $2 million a month training Bear Grylls how to survive in the “harshest conditions on earth.”
Chuck Norris trained Dude Perfect how to do it.
Chuck Norris told those three men how to climb Trump's wall.
Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?
You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.
How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.
After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."
So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."
What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?
Domi-don't-knows...
How do cows say "oof?"
They say, "MOOf."
Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex. His parents look at him in fear. Little Timmy asks, "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?"
The mom replies with, "We are playing house. We'll let you play when you're older," the dad says. So the next day Timmy goes over to play with his friend Johnny, who was, ironically, Timmy's neighbor. Johnny asks, "How was your sleep last night?" "I saw my mom and dad playing house last night," Timmy says. "But they told me I could play with them when I'm older."
After a little bit of playing with Johnny, Timmy went home and saw his Dad playing house with his babysitter. "Dad, what are you doing?" Timmy asks. "I'm playing house with your babysitter," Timmy's Dad said. "But I saw you play house with Mom last night," Timmy told his father. "Well, don't tell your mother," his dad said.