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You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.

Poipole walks into a bar and says “poipoipoipoi.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, but in order to get takeout, you have to know how to speak a foreign language.” Poipole says “Pika!”

A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.

After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"

The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"

The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"

"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.

The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.

"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.

"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.

"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.

"I was on top!"

All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.

"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.

"I'm having puppies!"

There were 32 cows. Twenty-eight chickens. How many were there?

There were 32 cows. Twenty ate chickens. How many were there?

Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?

Half of the class: *raises hand*

Teacher: ...

The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*

How to get 1000 followers on Instagram?

Run through Africa with a bottle of water.

  • 4

    • Nobody

    Literally nobody

    Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

  • 5

    • How do you get a baby into a small bowl?

    A blender.

    How do you get it out? Tostito chips.

    How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

    “You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”

    You: Did you get the new snoo subscription?

    Other: What's snoo?

    You: Not much, how 'bout you?