How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.
Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
What did the balls say to the dick?
Hey dick, how's it hanging?
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?
He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.
How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?
You turn off the WiFi router.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
How do you organize a space themed birthday party?
You planet.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
