Howe jokes

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

One if you throw it hard enough.

How do you say "Brazier" in German?

Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

How does a disabled kid walk to school?

He wishes he had the facilities to.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

How do you light up a football stadium? With a football match.

How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!

How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?

How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.

How do you blow up an Indian person?

You press the red button.

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."