Howe jokes

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

How do you start a rave?

Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

How does a train eat?

It goes, "chew chew."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a bulb?

None, because they all cry in the dark.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.

Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.

How do you make a sad person jump?

A bridge.

How do rappers keep themselves clean?

They drop SOAP BARS.

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

One if you throw it hard enough.

How do you say "Brazier" in German?

Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.