Howe jokes

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

i raped a dog. When asked how her experience was, she said ruff

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

How does a train eat?

It goes, "chew chew."

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a bulb?

None, because they all cry in the dark.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.

How do you know if a Black woman is pregnant?

Stick a chicken wing up there.

How much semen can a gay man hold? A buttload.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

How do rappers keep themselves clean?

They drop SOAP BARS.

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

How do you make a sad person jump?

A bridge.

How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.