Howe jokes

How do you start a rave?

Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.

Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.

How does a train eat?

It goes, "chew chew."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a bulb?

None, because they all cry in the dark.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

How do you say "Brazier" in German?

Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".

People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?

How does a disabled kid walk to school?

He wishes he had the facilities to.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.