Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
How does a train eat?
It goes, "chew chew."
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a bulb?
None, because they all cry in the dark.
My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
How did Michael Jackson get away with it?
He's a smooth criminal.
A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
How does a disabled kid walk to school?
He wishes he had the facilities to.
How do you make a sad person jump?
A bridge.
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
