Howe Jokes

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

You tell them to clap until their parents come home.

Q. How much cum does a gay guy have?

A. A butt load.

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

What's Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? -- How I bought your mother.

I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

-Lift up your foot.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."

How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad's cock tastes of blood.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

How do you start a rave?

Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."