How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.
Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
How do you win an argument against an emo?
Kick the chair!
Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide
Me: Aren't they the same thing?
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.
Crappy joke warning: How does Spongebob have fun? He smokes seaweed.
How do you start a school shooting at a black school?
Call the cops.
How did the gay girl die? Homicide.
How do you punish a blind guy?
You leave a plunger in the toilet.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question, feminists don't change anything.
How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
