How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?
Go through the dumbbell door.
At 5 years old, I already knew how to throw paper airplanes thanks to my Arabian relatives!
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?
You put food on the ceiling and they start jumping.
How do you organize a space themed birthday party?
You planet.
How is an emo kid’s wrist like Pink Floyd? It’s all shitty until you reach the final cut.
How do emos fly? They hang themselves.
A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
How emos propose:would you please join my family tree.
Credit to my friend @omnom
How many blacks does it take to start a riot?
-1.
How do you name an Asian child?
Ring the doorbell.
How do you avoid getting raped? Just don't say no!
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.
The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."
God busted out laughing and let him in.
The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."
God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."
You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...
Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
How do you keep a blind kid busy? Give him sandpaper and tell him it's a find-a-word. 😂🤣
How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.
1: Hey.
2: What?
1: We're outta paint.
2: *HMM*
(And that's how stop signs have extra paint.)
How do you stop constipation?
You scare the crap outta them.
(Crap is another word for poop.)
