Back

Howe jokes

Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.

Q: How do you punish a blind person?

A: Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until their parents come home.

On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?

How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But you need 5000 Soviet troops in case he goes on strike!

Me: How do cowboys say hello?

Friend: Howdy.

Me: How do deez nuts fit in your mouth?

How many orphans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don't even got a home.

How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?

When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only Juan.

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.

Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."

Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."

"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."

Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."

Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.

When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

First date be like:

Me: "I work with animals every day."

Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"

Me: "I'm a butcher."

Why do American guns only have 30 bullets?

'Cause that's how many kids are in a class.

How do you get away with rape? Identify as transgender. Women can never be accused of rape, obviously