Hospital Jokes

What's long and not very hairy?

The conga line at the cancer department.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.

Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!

Person: "Sorry to bother you, but what's the quickest way to get to the hospital?"

Stranger: "Oh, just go stand in the middle of the road!"

What's Juice Wrld's favorite salad? A seizure salad.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

Sometime ago I went to the morgue and asked if they took walk-ins.

One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.

Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"

Doctor: I can't treat you.

Orphan: Why!

Doctor: I'm a family doctor.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Did you know about 9 months after a power outage 50% more babies are born because it is dark?

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

White people be like, "Less bomb Ukraines hospitals and schools!"

Hahaha, dumb white people!

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................