Hospital jokes
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he broke his leg?
Hospital or Currys PC World?
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.
Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.
Guy #2: Why, what is it?
Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.
Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...
Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!
I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!
A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.
She replied "Oh fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
I used to be a doctor, until a girl came in to get a kidney transplant, but I had to give her anal resizing surgery first.
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”