Hospital jokes
What's green and has a thousand nipples?
A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.
Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?
He's all right now.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? The front desk always asks, “Where are your parents?”
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
Technoblade: Makes jokes about orphans while in hospital.
Doctors to Technoblade's dad: Sorry for your loss.
Technoblade: What do you mean?? I'm right here!!
Orphans found parents: Who's he talking to??
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
What's long and not very hairy?
The conga line at the cancer department.
I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."
The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”
POV: You accidentally get H in your IV drip.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
Person: "Sorry to bother you, but what's the quickest way to get to the hospital?"
Stranger: "Oh, just go stand in the middle of the road!"
What's Juice Wrld's favorite salad? A seizure salad.