Home jokes
What did the creep do when the woman said, âMake yourself at home?â
He hid in her attic.
I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."
Sans: I like eating ketchup, don't believe me? It's ASRIEL as it gets!
UT Sans to UT pap: You FORGHETTIE the spaghetti!!!
Ink sans: umm lust? That's INKAPPROPRIATE!
Fell sans: I hate these double standards...if you burn a body at a crematorium you're doing "a good job," do it at home and your "destroying evidence."
Error sans: Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I did have a good night, and I did a good night, and I had to walk around the house.
There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.
She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."
Son said, "But I can't see."
Mom said, "That's the point."
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
The orphanage was open in apps, but I didnât see the home button.
When your husband canât afford a punching bag, he uses his wife.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.
Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!
Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?
How are orphans like Spider-Man?
No way home.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what itâs like to be wanted.
Why are orphans bad at poker? They donât know what a full house is.
I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.
What do you call an orphanâs family reunion? Me time.
Did you know? The letter âfâ in orphan stands for family.
What is an orphanâs least favorite song? We Are Family.
Whatâs an orphanâs least favorite TV show? Family Guy.
Whatâs an orphanâs least favorite movie? Meet the Parents.
Whatâs an orphanâs least favorite type of music? House.
Whatâs an orphanâs least favorite store? Home Depot.
Whatâs an orphanâs favorite band? Foster the People.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms.
What beer do orphans drink? Fosterâs.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin.
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because itâs the only love they get.
Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
What is an orphan's favorite movie?
Home Alone.
A man walks into his house, only to find out somebody stole all of his lamps. He was absolutely delighted.