Him jokes
"Dad? What's dark humor?" "See that man with no arms over there, son, tell him to clap." "But daddy, I'm blind."
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
My son was thrown out of school for letting a schoolgirl wank him off.
"That's the third school this year..." I said to my son, "... Maybe teaching isn't for you."
Why was the orphan so successful?
They told him, "Go big or go home," he only had one option.
I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?
Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.
I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.
When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."
When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?
A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.
I just left him hanging.
Just give him a smooch it’s better than the cooch - Dream
I pushed a man in a wheelchair into a fire. Now we call him "hot wheels."
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.
I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.
It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.
Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't comin'.