Him jokes

I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?

Just give him a smooch it’s better than the cooch - Dream

My son was thrown out of school for letting a schoolgirl wank him off.

"That's the third school this year..." I said to my son, "... Maybe teaching isn't for you."

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.

Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't comin'.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken next to him farted.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”