Him jokes

When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

Why was Tickle Me Elmo upset when he left the factory?

Because they only gave him one test tickle.

How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.

Papyrus ran headfirst into a windmill. Guess you can call him a bonehead.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.

I just left him hanging.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Just give him a smooch it’s better than the cooch - Dream

When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.