Him jokes
Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.
Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't comin'.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The chicken next to him farted.
what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?
sue the dating site for matching her with him.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.
However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.
So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.
He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, “No.”
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”
Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
I pushed the kid in a wheelchair into fire... I called him "HOT WHEELS".
Kid: Mom! You lied to me!
Mom: When?
Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!
Mom: Sooo?
Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?
Mom: WHAT!!!??!!
I saw a kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working in an orphanage.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
REALLY CRAPPY JOKE ALERT!!! Oh Quin, how was eating that tight butt? Must be nasty. I heard you met from rear ending him.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?