You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
You: Hey, Alexa, what is your gender?
Alexa: I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are...
Me: *hears it* And their pronouns are he/he.
"Hey, man, do you have any Ben and Jerry's?"
"Yeah, I have two of them, fresh and preserved in the freezer."
"I meant the ice cream, bro..."
Hey, what’s your favorite type of tomato? Mine is sun-dried tomato.
Get it? "Sun-dried" like "son died."
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
"Hey, you! Why are you so serious?"
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
What did the orphan say to its parents?
"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"
They people: "No."
My friend: Hey, I got 15 kills!
Me: I got 60 kills!
My friend: I didn't know you played Call of Duty!
Me: What's Call of Duty?
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"
White people: *come to America, meet natives and take food, kill them, rape them, and enslave them.*
Natives: Can y-
White people: Hey, you remember all that horrible sh*t we did to you? Let's have a good laugh about it over dinner with your buddies and my new wives.
- Hey, are you single?
- No, I'm album.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?
Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.
Son: I hate you!
Hey, look, it's Uranus coming from the sky!
"Hey Modda, I'm hungry."
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
I once saw an orphan... I decided to ask them a simple question... "Hey! Where is your family?"
They didn't reply.
I kept asking them. They started crying. I started laughing. They ran away...
