Hey jokes

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

Me: Hey, Mom? Why do we celebrate birthdays?

Mom: Because that's the day a new life was born, and people are born every day so every day is a special day.

My thoughts: And my friend wonders why I have depression...

I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.

I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"

He gave me a book.

It was the Quran.

I said, "What the hell is that?"

He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."

Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?

Wife: In a detective novel.

Kid: Hey, Dad.

Dad: You're an hour late.

Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.

Dad: By yourself?

Kid: No.

Dad: A boy?

Kid: I was with the teacher.

What did John Cena say to Ray Charles?

Hey, man.

So, I was in the bathroom at school washing up, and this girl walked out of the stall and she was like, "Hey, can you make me laugh? I have been having a pretty bad day." And I was like, "Sure." I was like, "Come here." So she came over to me. I was like, "Girl, look at yourself in the mirror." And she started laughing so hard, and she said, "I'm so ugly."

I just wish I went on a date with Ariana Grande, and then everybody knew I fucked Ariana Grande.

What did one statue say to another statue? "Hey! Is that you?"

So, in "Revenge of the Sixth" when Anakin goes and kills the younglings, I thought to myself, "Hey, it’s just another day in an American school."

Hey guys, how was your day?

If you ask me the same question, here's the answer: depressing.

I still haven't made any friends on this app. All I do is read and comment on old jokes or opinions.

Tooth 1: Hey, do you like my jokes?

Tooth 2: Yeah, but they're cracking me up.

My brother and I were roughhousing and accidentally knocked over our bookshelf. My mom came in and started asking who knocked it over, to which I replied that I only had my shelf to blame.

Hey, can I axe you a question?

My brother likes to build "traps" to capture our cat so he can pet it. I said it wasn't gonna catch anyone, he replied with "not going to stop who?" I told him not to worry that it could capture any two.

How do Asian parents name their baby?

They drop a pot down a flight of stairs.

Me: Hey, do you live in the ocean?

Random guy: Why?

Me: Because you look like a whale.

Me: Hey, I’m your mom.

Orphan: Yay, you came back!

Me: Sike!

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

Hey, wanna know why you remind me of a waitress?

Because you handle my food great, and I give you a good tip afterwards.

Three men walk into a bar. The 1st says, "Hey, how's it going?" The 2nd one says, "Great!" But then the 3rd man says, "Hello, where did my wife go? I swear she was just here!" What happened to the 3rd guy's wife?

Hey John, how are you going?

Helium, yeah good, what about you?

(Hey Liam)