I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
Hes Jokes
I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."
Then which one are you?
Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
Why did the legless kid think he won a race?
Because everybody already left.
Why did Billy not like the soccer ball he got for Christmas?
He has no legs...
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
You can't say Hitler was a bad person. He did kill Hitler after all.
Why was 10 afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11.
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?
Johnny was deaf.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.
How does a Muslim close a door? He islams it.
Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.
