Hes jokes
Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
Memes
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
Why did the legless kid think he won a race?
Because everybody already left.
Why did Billy not like the soccer ball he got for Christmas?
He has no legs...
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
Why was 10 afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11.
You can't say Hitler was a bad person. He did kill Hitler after all.
How does a Muslim close a door? He islams it.
Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?
Johnny was deaf.
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.
Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.
What did God say when he made the Black human? Oh no, I burnt another one!
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.