Hes jokes

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

You can't say Hitler was a bad person. He did kill Hitler after all.

Why was 10 afraid?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11.

What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."

Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?

A. An easy bake oven.

Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?

Johnny was deaf.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.

How does a Muslim close a door? He islams it.

Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

COP: Are you high?

ME: If I was high, could I do this? *walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: Wth he just walked off a cliff.

Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My best friend got ligma. (Ah, did he? Sorry bro.) LIGMA BALLS!

Why does Michael Jackson have such a hard time playing chess?

He can't choose between black or white.

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"

There was a kid named Buttitches, and his teacher was taking attendance. Then the teacher asked, "What is your name?" And he answered, "Buttitches." Then the teacher asked again, "What's your name?" and he replied, "Buttitches." Then a student yelled out, "JUST SCRATCH YOUR ASS ALREADY!"

Why doesn't a skeleton dance? Because he had no body to dance with. Lol, Sans.