Hes

Hes jokes

Surgery

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

Pimp

My friend is a pimp.

I think he's having an existential crisis. Lately, he just wants to be alone with his thots.

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    • Dad

    My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

    Memes

    Hes memes

    Jesus

    So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

    Insult

    "Hey, kid, why are you so fat?"

    "Why did you insult him? That's not nice."

    "It won't matter, he's deaf."

    Wheelchair

    What does a kid do when he's bored and he's sitting? He puts wheels on the chair and makes it a wheelchair.

    Soldier

    Kid says, “Are you a soldier?”

    Soldier says, “Mhm.”

    Kid says, “I wanna be a soldier someday.”

    Soldier says, “Really?”

    The kid says, “Yeah, but father says I don’t have the balls to be a soldier, but he’s right. I’m a FUCKING PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!!"

    Baby

    I'm just a prom night dumpster baby I got no mam or dad. Prom night dumpster baby My story isn't long, but boy, it's awfully sad. Although I came from a hole (Although I came from a hole) I'm singin' right from the soul (I'm singin' right from the soul)

    My fanny needs a blanket And somebody to spank it I miss my mam But she's at the prom So I'm prom night dumpster baby Prom night dumpster baby

    And I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) Hahaha, I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll)

    Pastor

    One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

    He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

    So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

    Child

    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

    Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

    "Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with her?"

    The child whispered, "No."

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"

    "Yes."

    "May I talk with him?"

    Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"

    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy," whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    "Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

    Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

    Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

    Hitler

    Hitler is amazing; he's dead but still alive because he did Nazi death coming. It never happened.

    Stereotype

    An Asian gets a choice between his rice cooker or his son. He instantly picks the cooker and says, "He got a B+ in maths last week; he's a failure!"

    Pilot

    My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

    So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."