Hes jokes
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? Anyone know what he means?
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
He's in a wheelchair.
I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.
Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”
Welp, that’s it.
What did Michael Jackson say?
Nothing, he's dead.
(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents
A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.
The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"
Yo, back off from my homey Freshfry; he's mine!
A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.
The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!
John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.
Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"
John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"
The cycle of Pionel Pessi:
- Ghosting👻
- Diving🐬
- Complaining to teammates😡
- Complaining to refs🤬
- Missing sitters🤦♂️
- Gets a lucky open net tapin⚽️
- Proceed to get 🐐 shouts
- Repeat🔁
People with REAL ball knowledge know he’s just an overrated tapin merchant 😭
Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?
Because he’s a fungi.
What do you call a best friend that smokes weed?
A pothead. Just because he's your friend, you don't have to support his poor decisions. Jeez, what has America come to?
Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large.
My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.
My uncle can't walk straight. I think it's because he's gay.
Chalie has an eating disorder, and he is shorter, so is his life, but he will never get a wife. He's a gay motherfucker who wants to be hit by a trucker?
Why can't a T-Rex clap?
He's dead.
I have a friend who's a suicide bomber. He's a blast at parties.
How do you know a vampire's sick? If he's coffin (coughing?)