Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
I have a fish that can breakdance only for 20 seconds, and he can only do it once.
When Bob the Builder looks at your hairline, he says, "We can't fix that."
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down and gets the information he wants.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.
Why can't Michael Jackson ever win in a race? Because he always comes in a little behind.
A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
When he asked who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
When the depressed kid runs out of eyeliner, so he says "fruit ninja" with his wrists.
What did Chris Brown say when he saw Rihanna?
"I'd hit that."
This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.
So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."
So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"
The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."
Why did the ACLU block the cellphone number of a Christian nationalist minister? Because the Christian nationalist had a virus on his cellphone and kept calling the ACLU because he wanted to join the ACLU because he wanted to become a card-carrying member of the ACLU.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
